Thursday, March 25, 2010
1985
The wife and I adopted a highway in 1985, after finding out about my “condition.” As it turns out, my semen cannot create highways, but rather only human beings. We became blessed by our little angel, miles 131 to 135 of the I-45, or as we affectionately call her, I-45ie. I-45ie wasn’t like the other girls in the neighborhood. She never wanted to jump rope or play hopscotch, preferring instead to connect places for automobile transit.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Memories
I still remember he first time I said a bad word in front of my mother.
Mom: Hey Pat, time to wake up for school.
Me: (sleepily) It’s 8:30, I’m sleeping longer. Come back at 9, you stupid cunt.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I have Nothing Important to Say… but I Demand to be Heard!
In the midst of all this hustle and bustle of elections, in the glory of democracy in action, I have become inspired to let my voice be heard. I want to speak up like many of our politicians and say in a clear, calm voice “I talk, therefore I am…important!” I also want people to like me and since one begets the other I’ve decided that I refuse to be ignored any longer! Now is the time to stand up and say something! … not really sure what to talk about though.
That’s not to say I don’t have issues. Oh I have issues, just not on my mind. But that won’t restrain me from speaking them! That is if I had any, which I do, if you just give me a minute. Um, midterms are a pretty hot topic. If you listen to me I promise to say “down with midterms” at some point…and also “long live midterms” for people who disagree with the previous statement. I just want us all to agree. I really don’t like confrontation.
Wait! I have more to say. I believe in humanity, in the goodness of people. So I believe that together, we can make a difference. Together we can solve world peace and bring about world hunger. Wait. Are those two things mixed up? Okay. Scratch that. Instead, believe that together we can…do good? Like finally getting Coke of campus. Heroin for all! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously, I’m just a Pepsi person. Vive La Fizzistance!
Furthermore, we need a leader – someone who’ll stand up and say, “I am the voice of the people,” or “ I speak for the lesser population of McGill” or how about “My voice is your voice and voice versa”? Seriously, we need someone to actually do something. Or at least a scandal. We need people to make fools of themselves for our enjoyment. I’ve had it up to here with the current administration and their lack of humorous publicity. Enough is enough! It’s time to find new SSMU executives! But who, who would be willing to stand up and say: “I’ll do it! I’ll take that pay check and resume filler!” Who would ever be so foolhardy?
The moment has come for me to end this rant. But I go willingly, for I know that this recitation has to have inspired someone somewhere to take the initiative to waste people’s time by talking about nothing for lengthy periods. They will do this by forcing one-sided discussions in order to hear their own voices say the most mundane and repetitive things. Long after I am gone from this place, people will still band together and listen to the one who will not stop talking, even after they themselves have forgotten the topic. The topic of…oh crap.
That’s not to say I don’t have issues. Oh I have issues, just not on my mind. But that won’t restrain me from speaking them! That is if I had any, which I do, if you just give me a minute. Um, midterms are a pretty hot topic. If you listen to me I promise to say “down with midterms” at some point…and also “long live midterms” for people who disagree with the previous statement. I just want us all to agree. I really don’t like confrontation.
Wait! I have more to say. I believe in humanity, in the goodness of people. So I believe that together, we can make a difference. Together we can solve world peace and bring about world hunger. Wait. Are those two things mixed up? Okay. Scratch that. Instead, believe that together we can…do good? Like finally getting Coke of campus. Heroin for all! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously, I’m just a Pepsi person. Vive La Fizzistance!
Furthermore, we need a leader – someone who’ll stand up and say, “I am the voice of the people,” or “ I speak for the lesser population of McGill” or how about “My voice is your voice and voice versa”? Seriously, we need someone to actually do something. Or at least a scandal. We need people to make fools of themselves for our enjoyment. I’ve had it up to here with the current administration and their lack of humorous publicity. Enough is enough! It’s time to find new SSMU executives! But who, who would be willing to stand up and say: “I’ll do it! I’ll take that pay check and resume filler!” Who would ever be so foolhardy?
The moment has come for me to end this rant. But I go willingly, for I know that this recitation has to have inspired someone somewhere to take the initiative to waste people’s time by talking about nothing for lengthy periods. They will do this by forcing one-sided discussions in order to hear their own voices say the most mundane and repetitive things. Long after I am gone from this place, people will still band together and listen to the one who will not stop talking, even after they themselves have forgotten the topic. The topic of…oh crap.
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