How to Run a SSMU Campaign (Without Making us Want to Slap You)

PREPARATION

Assemble a Team
Running a SSMU campaign can be tough work – at least if you’re going for one of the few positions that are actually “contested.” Even if it’s just to spread the word for you via facebook, their mouth, etc. you’ll definitely need help from at least a few people that are not your housemate. A good way to get volunteers is to offer them cushy jobs once you’re elected. Just try not to offer more than 150% of the actual jobs available. If they already have cushy SSMU jobs, offer them more until they bend to your will.

Take Some Pictures
Every good campaign needs posters, no matter how much the environmental council tries to tell you otherwise. Try to take a picture with obvious signs of McGill in the background: Roddick Gates, the Statue of James McGill, Three Bares Park, or even that crazy guy who stalks the ghetto for bottles will do. Remember though, the best kind of pictures for your campaign are the ones you take of your opponents in compromising sexual acts with many anonymous partners, many of whom are sheep.

Make Friends with the Insiders
It’s a well-known fact that no SSMU contender can win without the support of… well, SSMU. Lucky for you, Ivan Neilson can usually be bought off with a blended Margarita. Just make sure there’s a miniature umbrella in it. God help you if you try to give Ivan Neilson a Margarita without a miniature umbrella in it. As for preference between lime and mango, just go with what you’re comfortable with.

Construct a Platform
The most important thing about a platform is your slogan. A good slogan is both vague and threatening, since you both need to woo voters, and strike fear in the hearts of your enemies. We suggest: “Nobody Gets Hurt,” “The Last Guy that Fucked With us is Under Forbes’ Field” or “You’re Next, We Swear to God, You’re Next.” The rest of your platform can be composed of well-meaning but wholly unfeasible drivel, such as a skywalk to Upper Rez, extending the Metro service from Montreal to Vancouver, raising the dead, or attracting listeners to CKUT.

CAMPAIGN PERIOD

Debates
Remember: nobody who’s actually non-partisan shows up to debates, so they’re really only important for providing quotes for The Tribune or The Daily. To exploit the campus media, you’ll want to show up prepared with a set of pre-planned responses that make your opponents look like monsters. Try to bring up your recently deceased grandmother as much as possible to garner sympathy. If at all possible, imply that the other candidate(s) killed her. A sample script is provided below:

Your opponent: It is imperative that we balance the SSMU budget this year.

You: My grandmother was a sweet, loving, generous woman, you sons of bitches! Don’t think I don’t know what you did. Don’t think I don’t know what you mean by “balance the budget.” You’re Next, I swear to God You’re Next!

Usually you’ll finish talking before the time is up, but there’s no reason to give that extra time to your opponent. Try and spend the rest of your allotted time holding your breath, just so people know you’re not fucking around.


Class Talks
Class talks are a great way to remind yourself that nobody outside of your campaign team gives a flying fuck who you are or why you’re wasting time that could be spending learning about Argentinean social class development between 1760-1779. If you insist on talking anyway, keep it short, and lie as much as possible: the average student doesn’t know a goddam thing about SSMU anyway.


Newspaper Interviews
Whatever you do, never say what’s actually on your mind. This kind of reckless behaviour can result in Tribune headlines such as “Candidate Admits to Killing own Grandmother” or “Candidate Admits, ‘I’m just in it for the sweet First-Year Intern-Ass!’” A good way to get journalists to write positive stories about you is to pay them off. Everyone knows how student journalists are more crooked than a Stewart-Bio hallway, and sliding a five-note under the table during an interview could mean the difference between “Candidate Has No Clear Plans” and “Candidate Hung Like a Bull-Panda.”


Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Things can get petty during the campaign period. Remember to stay focused, and try not to worry about things that have absolutely no relevance whatsoever to life at McGill like the concerns of low-income students, events for under-agers, or anything that Marisa Leon-Carlyle has ever done, ever.


ELECTION DAY

Salamander has more glitches than Windows Vista, which means that any errors discovered in collecting votes are readily attributed to programming problems – electorate fraud goes easily under the radar. Get a pretty engineer friend to seduce the Chief Electorate Officer and convince him to change the numbers in your favour. Given Elections McGill’s past friction with SSMU, they’ll be jumping at the chance to stick it to the man/womyn/ze.


Lengthy Appeals Process
J-Boarding has become such a pain in the ass when it comes to elections that this year’s SSMU executive has cut out this troublesome “check” that just slows down the SSMU insiders’ path to the executive offices. The supreme judicial tribunal has thus been replaced with a moody eight-ball (coincidentally at the same Council meeting referendum voting was replaced by a coin toss due to the persisting problem of reaching quorum). Despite this change however, no one can ever completely take away your God given right to bitch about every little thing. Ideally, you want to begin filing complaints a few weeks before campaign period begins. Good things to complain about include: the obvious pro-neutrality bias of the Elections McGill officers hired to oversee voting, and the obvious disenfranchisement of all voters who would have voted for you, coupled with the over-enchantment of all the voters who voted against you.

The Worst Advice I Ever Got Was...

“Let’s just wait out the war here in Amsterdam. A couple of Jews can be safe in Amsterdam. I mean, Hitler is many things, but he’s not crazy.”

“Know your enemy better than he knows himself.” I spent like 3 hours talking to that jerk.

“You see how the computer takes up this entire room, which is the size of a football field? Computers are never going to be smaller than this room, so I wouldn’t invest in them. Also, could you hold this bomb for a second while it explodes?”

“Drown your three children in a bathtub to appease me, one of several voices inside your brain.”

“Drown your three children in a bathtub to appease me, a financier who has a significant monetary wager on whether or not I can convince you to kill your children.”

“Be yourself.” I’ve seen videos of myself and I’m a fucking maniac.

“Feed a cold, starve a baby.”

“Don’t do drugs.” I HAVE THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES AIDS! I should have been doing many, many drugs. Whole “drug-cocktails,” if you will.

“Listen to your heart.” I can’t even describe the awful stuff that thing tells me to do. Tells me I have to do.

The Ten Commandments.

McGill Brand Condoms

McGill 2010 Budget Condom: It’s always shrinking.

ID Card Condom: This variety only works during regular business hours.

Engineering Condom: Only needs to be 50% effective.

Management Condom: Made to work well in groups and costs way more than all the other varieties.

Education Condom: These only work a few days every month.

Honors Thesis Condom: Takes a long time to finish and won’t really be worth it.

Chartwells Condom: You get tired of it fast, but you have to keep using it all year.

Solin Condom: Made for people who often get stuffed into unpleasant locations.

Dick Pound Condom: BAREBACK, BABY!

Valentine

Young Love

I was into Pokemon
When someone told me
They wanted my v card
There was much confusion

Sex is Like a Box of Chocolate

If you’re a virgin who’s
Lactose intolerant

Conch Wisdom

Put a seashell
Up to your ear
To hear all the sex
I’ve ever had

Getting to Know you

So you’re into abstinence?
That’s cool
I guess

Abstinence

Is like a fire in your heart
That burns through your chest
And lights
The building
On fire.
Oh God
What have I done?

Abstinence: A Sexless Collection of Free Verse Poetry

Stay tuned for the latest in free verse poetry to share with your virgin lover…

Romantic Woods

Forgetful Gil is Going to Buy a Car

Mary: All right, Gil: go down to the corner store, and buy a Ford Taurus. Got it?
Gil: Ford Taurus. Got it. (Mary pins a cheque to Gil’s cardigan, and he walks down the street.)
Gil: (thinking to himself) Ford Taurus… Ford Taurus…. Four Taurus… Four Torus… Fort Orus… Fore… Ortus? Tortoise? For tort is? Oh, goodness Gil, you’ve done it again! All right, just play it cool. I’ll just buy the… the fork porpoise and get out.
Car Salesman: Good afternoon, sir. Have your eye on anything?
Gil: Um… yes. I’ll take one… forp orpiz, please.
Car Salesman: A which?
Gil: I mean, a foe porpisis. In red.
Car Salesman: Sorry?
Gil: Oh, Christ… a foripisus? A foiripi- ciphus? Yes! A foie gras Sisyphus!
Car Salesman: I’m afraid we don’t have any of that, sir, but we do have an affordable Ford Taurus.
Gil: Yes! That’s it! I’ll take one of those! (tears the cheque from his cardigan and shoves it in the car salesman’s face.)
Car Salesman: (reading the cheque) I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t accept this.
Gil: (takes back the cheque and begins to read it) “Gil… if you ever read this, you will know that I have left you for another man. He’s not great, but he is able to remember more than two words at the same time. Goodbye, Mary.” Huh. Well, I guess this means I don’t have to buy that damn Fort Toast Blaster.

Squibble’s Life Lesson 7: Money

Running low on cash? Try this easy way out of a financial jam:
Kill yourself.

Squibbles’s Life Lesson 32: Dealing with Grief

Do you feel like there’s sadness all around you? Squibbles reccomends that you:
Leave Somalia

First Day

Prison lunch is the most dangerous part of a new convict’s first day.

Big Chuck: Hey, Fresh Meat, give me your soda.
Killer Dan: Yeah, Fresh Meat. And let me have those potato chips while you’re at it, motherfucker.
New Guy: I get it. I get it. Either I suck your dicks, join a gang, or get treated like this every day at lunch. Fine! How do I get in a gang? Slit your rival’s throats? Get a swastika tattoo?! WHAT MUST I DO TO BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN BEING?!
Big Chuck: Jesus Christ, Fresh Meat, what are you talking about? I just needed to wash down this dinner roll.
Killer Dan: Yea. I was gonna trade you my baked beans. I wouldn’t just take someone’s potato chips. I’m not an animal, no matter what the warden says…
New Guy: Oh.
Killer Dan: Damn Fresh Meat, you’re one crazy motherfucker. I’m sticking with you in here.