Happy New Year!
These are some things you can look forward to in 2010:
- China will emerge as the contending economic hegemon, with the help of exploited child workers and ancient dragon spirits.
- Pronouns will no longer have a place on university campuses.
- Michael Jackson will release another album, a la Tupac.
- The world’s supply of energy drinks will surpass that of bottled water. Incidentally, things will start going very fast.
- An even uglier woman will win the hearts of millions of people, who secretly watch Britain’s Got Talent.
- It will be proven that H1N1 was the second-greatest cause of unnecessary panic since Y2K.
- A giant leap forward will be made in the field of infomatronich stenography. Nobody will care.
- Zombies will attack, killing millions.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Things that, while not killing you, will not make you stronger:
Getting an autopsy
Reading Dickens
Boxing Muhammad Ali
Exposure to radioactivity
Skipping your workout
Getting shot in the foot
Herpes
Reading Dickens
Boxing Muhammad Ali
Exposure to radioactivity
Skipping your workout
Getting shot in the foot
Herpes
Friday, December 25, 2009
Colin's Dad is a Jackass
(Colin is opening his Christmas present: “From Dad”)
Colin: Boy oh boy, I wonder what it is!
Dad: Well, you’ve always wanted to play soccer, haven’t you son?
Colin: (getting excited) Yeah!
(Colin opens the box. It is empty. Confused, he looks up, just in time to see his father swinging a giant sledgehammer into his legs.)
Dad: Do you like it? It’s irony.
Colin: Boy oh boy, I wonder what it is!
Dad: Well, you’ve always wanted to play soccer, haven’t you son?
Colin: (getting excited) Yeah!
(Colin opens the box. It is empty. Confused, he looks up, just in time to see his father swinging a giant sledgehammer into his legs.)
Dad: Do you like it? It’s irony.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Intercepted Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you? I am doing well. I’ve been keeping Christmas close to my heart, just like the three spirits advised me. But I’ve got to tell you - Christmas is terribly exhausting! I think that all the gifts I gave to Tiny Tim may have spoiled him – now when I say no, he whacks me with his crutch. Bob pretends he doesn’t see, but I know he does. He’s just as bad, always skipping out on work because he knows I’m not going to fire him. He knows that’s not the “Christmas way.” So, if you can’t cancel Christmas, can you please at least send the three spirits his way?
And by “send the three spirits his way” I mean take care of him. Permanently.
Merry Christmas!
Ebenezer Scrooge
How are you? I am doing well. I’ve been keeping Christmas close to my heart, just like the three spirits advised me. But I’ve got to tell you - Christmas is terribly exhausting! I think that all the gifts I gave to Tiny Tim may have spoiled him – now when I say no, he whacks me with his crutch. Bob pretends he doesn’t see, but I know he does. He’s just as bad, always skipping out on work because he knows I’m not going to fire him. He knows that’s not the “Christmas way.” So, if you can’t cancel Christmas, can you please at least send the three spirits his way?
And by “send the three spirits his way” I mean take care of him. Permanently.
Merry Christmas!
Ebenezer Scrooge
Sunday, December 20, 2009
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