Values

Values change as we get older. Here are two people’s views of what the “best day ever” would mean:

Ross Julien, Age 15, Grade 10:
Our football team wins state championships, and then I get blowjobs from the thirteen hottest girls in school.

Arthur Connenburg, Age 42, Editor of Webster’s Dictionary:
About twelve blowjobs.

Apology

Dear Sophie,

I want to formally apologize for the offensive remark I made last night. However, I swear to God that it was completely unintentional. I had absolutely no idea that was a derogatory term, much less a particularly vile one rooted in shocking historical details.

Honestly, it was a terrible coincidence. You dropped your coaster on the floor; I happened to be holding an apricot—I was pretty much just describing what I saw. Little did I know, it was also incredibly insulting and degrading.

Xoxo
-J

Spork

Sally's Haircut Disaster

Sally: Oh gawd, I do hate haircuts. I haven’t been for nearly a year!

John: Goodness, Sally, you’re looking long and wild! Well, that’s what you get for only getting your hair cut once a year, eh? Ha, ha.

Sally: Listen John, I hate haircuts because hairdressers always disregard what I ask for. I only want a little off the top, all right?

John: Well, okay then. Let’s get this buzz razor going.

Sally: What! Are you deaf, you idiot? I said I only want a little off the top. Unplug that electrical monster this instant!

John: Calm down, Sally, I know what I’m doing.

(The razor buzzes and hums evilly.)

Sally: No, you don’t! You only ever give me terrible haircuts, because you never listen. Only a trim! A trim, I said!

John: And, here we go! Hold still, girl!

(John begins to shave Sally’s hair off.)

Sally: Excuse me? Girl? How dare you address me with such familiarity! Stop! I only want a little of the top! A little off the top!

John: You didn’t really like all this hair, did you Sally? I bet this feels much nicer.

Sally: How do you know how I feel? Stop! Stop, you lunatic!

John: Stop thrashing! Do I have to hold you down to make you stop kicking?

(John physically restrains Sally as he cuts off all her hair.)

Sally: No! No! Noooooo! Baah! Baaaaaah!

(Having finished, John puts his shears down and herds Sally the sheep back into her pen.)

Sally: I don’t know why I come back here every year.

What Restaurant Owners Think Could Happen

Ugly hostess: Hi, how many?
Patron: Jesus – never mind. (leaves hungrily)

House Hunting Tips

So you’re looking for a house; make sure you wear the proper bright orange hunting outfit so you don’t get mistaken for a house and shot and killed. Ha ha! No seriously, while house hunting is hard work, it probably won’t kill you. Here’s a few tips to help you out.

Chill Out
Calm down. There are plenty of houses out there, some of them even have roofs and indoor toilets. Every year there is an unnecessarily early rush on the housing. This is caused by anxious students going out into the ghetto with the mentality that there will only be three houses available this year. Please stop. You’re hurting the ghetto. One of the reasons that landlords are able to rent increasingly decrepit and roofless houses is that students continue to jump at the chance to rent them. In fact, have you ever thought about what it would be like if people treated other things like they do the Montreal/Ghetto housing market?

I present to you Orange Hunting with Omar and Jason:

Omar: Boy, these oranges sure are expensive.

Jason: Yeah $50 for a single piece of fruit picked four weeks ago in Mexico seems a bit high. What can you do, though?

Omar: And they’re in pretty bad shape, too. This one has a nest of baby spiders in it.

Jason: Still, we’d better buy these oranges before somebody else does.

Omar: I don’t know…There are more oranges than people who want to buy them. Are you sure we have to buy crappy oranges?

Jason: Definitely.

Omar: What about those oranges two aisles over?

Jason: No way. We want the closest possible oranges.

Omar: But they look nicer, and they’re about half as expensive.

Jason: No dice.

Omar: Okay, fine. Do we have to buy oranges right this minute? I bet if we’re patient, some oranges will hit the market that are nice, close, and not ridiculously expensive.

Jason: Sorry. We need oranges RIGHT NOW.

Okay, does the above dialogue sound stupid to you? Good. I hope you caught the subtle parallels.

Choosing a House
Picking a house is a lot like picking your nose. Be sure to wash your hands immediately afterwards, and don’t do it so much that you start to bleed. Now, you’ll probably see a house with a big living room and think “wow, we can have big parties in here and stock the bar.” Let me be the one to tell you that you will never do this. Instead, find a house that is great for sitting around and watching Glee with the few housemates that you are still on speaking terms with.

One vital thing to check when taking a tour of the house is the shower. You want to make sure that you’ve got good pressure. Remember, when you’re living in a house you’ll have to shower practically every day. No jokes here folks this is serious. Do this or you’ll smell.

Choosing Housemates
Do you really want to live with those assholes? Just relax, you’ll find good housemates. Finding the perfect housemates is a lot like finding true love, it only happens to good looking people in movies.

Pick stupid housemates that you can easily fleece into paying the gravity bill and the butter tax. There are two types of people you don’t want to live with, party animals and girls. Before you get mad at me I’m saying that living with one girl is fine, but living with multiple girls can get crazy. The crazy is amplified as it passes through the house and then rebounds off the walls. While this can typically save you up to ten percent on heating costs in the winter, it is generally not worth it. As for party animals, they’re fun people… at parties. Not so much during midterms or when you need to keep your walls urine free, which is all the time. (To all the party animals who have trouble finding housemates, I’m really sorry.)

Horsemates
Huh? You’re not running a stable, folks.

In Conclusion
The message here is to be calm, be cool. I’m sure you’ll figure it out, and if you don’t, you’ll only be wasting one year of your life and a lot of your parents’ money. Hey, maybe your landlord will be able to afford a new boat.

Robots

What I Imagine the World Would Be

What I imagine the world would be like without pasta:
Me: What’s for dinner?
Mom: You can have chicken fingers, grilled cheese, or pasta.
Me: Pasta? What’s pasta?
Mom: I…I don’t know.

What I imagine the world would be like without milk:
Farmer: Go outside and kill the cow.
Me: Father, why do cows have udders?
Farmer: They’re for decoration. Want ravioli for dinner?
Me: More than anything.

Inuits

Inuits have over 100 words for snow, but no word for mitochondria. That’s crazy. How to they talk about mitochondria??

Lenny the Lying Leopard

(In the New York Zoo, a prowl of leopards huddles around a small hole as they dig out the rest of their escape tunnel.)

Alpha Leopard: (cocking his head) Shhh! You guys hear that?
(The group is silent. They all hear the whistling of the Zoo Keeper getting louder as he makes his nightly rounds.)
Alpha Leopard: Oh man… he’s early. (Turns to Lenny) Lenny, you’re the best liar we have. You’re going to have to lie to the Zoo Keeper so the rest of us can escape.
Lenny: I won’t let you down, sir! (Lenny slinks over to the fence where the Zoo Keeper is now watching the prowl.)
Zoo Keeper: (chuckling) What are you leopards doing awake so late at night? You’re not escaping are you?
Lenny: Well… (clears his throat) You see…
(Lenny proceeds to occupy the Zoo Keeper with a very convincing and well-structured throat biting.)

Tip for Success #82

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and yell “I said limes, bitch, limes!”

Mythbusters: S4 Ep7

Dalmatians

Spot: Hey look, the truck’s slowing down.
Sparky: Do you think they’re taking us to the park?
Spot: No, it looks like another terrible, terrible fire.
Sparky: What the shit is wrong with these people?!

The Sexual Revolution at McGill

There is no doubt that, as an educational institution, McGill is behind the times in its approach to sexuality on campus. Instead of embracing the newly found sexual freedom of the new millennium, the administration has continued to hold on to the masturbatory ‘80s mindset… until now! The following are a few signs that McGill has begun to take on a more sexually liberated attitude:

Your transcript vibrates uncontrollably.

Your Con-Ed Prof’s car has a bumper sticker that reads, “Honk if you have jungle gym fever.”

The midterm is worth whatever you want it to be worth, sweet-cheeks.

Theoretically, anyone with a windpipe is eligible to win an interim scholarship.

Instead of posting the assignments on WebCT, your TAs write them on your naked body with ice cubes, and you have to guess what they’re writing. There are no wrong answers.

The course “Sexual Ethics” has been replaced with “Even Uggos Need Lovin.”

Marty the Martlet is now Corey the Clitorasaurus.

Figure of Speech

Sometimes I think that the phrase “babies can’t fly rocket ships” is overused, to the point of cliché:

At the Restaurant

Mom: You can’t just eat chocolate fudge cake for dinner. That’s why Mommy chooses dinner for you. Babies can’t fly rocket ships, you know.

Selling your company to Microsoft

Bill Gates: Listen, that’s the best offer I can make on such a young tech-business. Take it or leave it. I mean: babies can’t fly rocket ships, am I right?

On a rocket ship

Co-pilot: Okay, you just need to ease off the fuel and then we can go into auto-pilot till we hit the asteroid belt…Hey, are you listening? I said we need to ease off the fuel—wait a second. Oh my God! Babies can’t fly rocket ships! I’m going to have to drive this hunk of junk myself.

Puppy Love

Text Messaging on Judgement Day

Phone 1: hey
Phone 2: sup bro
Phone 1: havn a bad day
Phone 1: why?
Phone 2: apo6alypsv
Phone 1: what?
Phone 2: apocalypse* sorry cant type phone melting.
Phone 1: u ok?
Phone 2: gtg rapture

ttyl

Dear Steven,

It is with sincere regret that I must inform you that I cannot go out with you. Although dinner on Friday sounds charming, I am unable to accept your offer at this time.

This year, a record number of people asked me out and the pool was remarkably strong. I was unable to accommodate many qualified suitors. I am only one woman!

People asking me out this year came from all ten provinces, three territories, and forty-two foreign countries. They included a record number of underrepresented minorities, internationally placed athletes, a Canadian Merit Scholar, and several downright hotties. This year, for the first time, I will go out with more women than men, truly a landmark in my personal history.

Thank you for your interest - your taste in women is commendable. Although I am unable to accommodate you at this time, I wish you good luck and future success with the woman that you will eventually enter.

All the Best,

Chloe

Tip for Success #904

Passing at McGill is 1% inspiration and 99% sleeping with your profs.

Winter Affects Everybody

Memo

From: MRO McGill Staff

Sent: January 4, 2009

To: x-All McGill Staff; x-All Students

Re: To the Members of the McGill Community

What an extraordinary year 2009 has been for us at McGill. There has been much to celebrate in all corners of the University. And by all corners of the University I am of course referring to those renovated stairs in front of McConnell Engineering. In the still stuttering economic recovery, it is truly outstanding that we were financially able to tear down and rebuild an existing structure that had/has no educational value.

Now, as we venture on to the new year of 2010, I would like to express my sincere hope that each of you had a wonderful holiday season, celebrating whichever of the many diverse winter holidays you chose to celebrate, or that you parents chose for you to celebrate. That is of course unless you don’t celebrate any winter holiday at all, in which case I’d like to express my hope that you had a wonderful two-to-four weeks of doing nothing. At any rate, I hope that you were able to share more time than you usually have with your dear ones, no matter how loving or dysfunctional your relationships with them may be.

At this special time of year, I’d like to welcome all of you back, each and every one of you, and wish you a great semester. Please do your best to bring honor, prestige, and monetary funds to this institution.

Warm Regards,

Heather Munroe-Blum

Principal and Vice-Chancellor

McGill University

Preparedness

Person of the Year

I bet that when the people at Time Magazine deliberate about who is Person of the Year there’s always one guy that gets all quiet and hangs back a bit because he secretly thinks it might be him.

Resolutions

Here are my resolutions for 2010:

- Be able to rip a phonebook in half.
- Get nominated for one awards show, even if it’s a Juno.
- Paint the Mona Lisa, but better.
- Eat more greens - not just vegetables, just anything that’s green (relish, limes, grass etc).
- Wear more track pants in effort to appear healthier.
- Work on my ball muscles, get a testicle six-pack.
- Write more letters to my MP concerning the length of days in November/December.
- Ride a dolphin.
- Teach a dolphin to read a book a day.
- Visit the magical city of Paris, Italy.
- Marry a zillionaire supermodel.
- Overcome irrational fear of fighter bees living in my pants.
- Give out at least twice as many high-fives as I did in 2009.