Thursday, March 25, 2010
1985
The wife and I adopted a highway in 1985, after finding out about my “condition.” As it turns out, my semen cannot create highways, but rather only human beings. We became blessed by our little angel, miles 131 to 135 of the I-45, or as we affectionately call her, I-45ie. I-45ie wasn’t like the other girls in the neighborhood. She never wanted to jump rope or play hopscotch, preferring instead to connect places for automobile transit.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Memories
I still remember he first time I said a bad word in front of my mother.
Mom: Hey Pat, time to wake up for school.
Me: (sleepily) It’s 8:30, I’m sleeping longer. Come back at 9, you stupid cunt.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I have Nothing Important to Say… but I Demand to be Heard!
In the midst of all this hustle and bustle of elections, in the glory of democracy in action, I have become inspired to let my voice be heard. I want to speak up like many of our politicians and say in a clear, calm voice “I talk, therefore I am…important!” I also want people to like me and since one begets the other I’ve decided that I refuse to be ignored any longer! Now is the time to stand up and say something! … not really sure what to talk about though.
That’s not to say I don’t have issues. Oh I have issues, just not on my mind. But that won’t restrain me from speaking them! That is if I had any, which I do, if you just give me a minute. Um, midterms are a pretty hot topic. If you listen to me I promise to say “down with midterms” at some point…and also “long live midterms” for people who disagree with the previous statement. I just want us all to agree. I really don’t like confrontation.
Wait! I have more to say. I believe in humanity, in the goodness of people. So I believe that together, we can make a difference. Together we can solve world peace and bring about world hunger. Wait. Are those two things mixed up? Okay. Scratch that. Instead, believe that together we can…do good? Like finally getting Coke of campus. Heroin for all! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously, I’m just a Pepsi person. Vive La Fizzistance!
Furthermore, we need a leader – someone who’ll stand up and say, “I am the voice of the people,” or “ I speak for the lesser population of McGill” or how about “My voice is your voice and voice versa”? Seriously, we need someone to actually do something. Or at least a scandal. We need people to make fools of themselves for our enjoyment. I’ve had it up to here with the current administration and their lack of humorous publicity. Enough is enough! It’s time to find new SSMU executives! But who, who would be willing to stand up and say: “I’ll do it! I’ll take that pay check and resume filler!” Who would ever be so foolhardy?
The moment has come for me to end this rant. But I go willingly, for I know that this recitation has to have inspired someone somewhere to take the initiative to waste people’s time by talking about nothing for lengthy periods. They will do this by forcing one-sided discussions in order to hear their own voices say the most mundane and repetitive things. Long after I am gone from this place, people will still band together and listen to the one who will not stop talking, even after they themselves have forgotten the topic. The topic of…oh crap.
That’s not to say I don’t have issues. Oh I have issues, just not on my mind. But that won’t restrain me from speaking them! That is if I had any, which I do, if you just give me a minute. Um, midterms are a pretty hot topic. If you listen to me I promise to say “down with midterms” at some point…and also “long live midterms” for people who disagree with the previous statement. I just want us all to agree. I really don’t like confrontation.
Wait! I have more to say. I believe in humanity, in the goodness of people. So I believe that together, we can make a difference. Together we can solve world peace and bring about world hunger. Wait. Are those two things mixed up? Okay. Scratch that. Instead, believe that together we can…do good? Like finally getting Coke of campus. Heroin for all! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously, I’m just a Pepsi person. Vive La Fizzistance!
Furthermore, we need a leader – someone who’ll stand up and say, “I am the voice of the people,” or “ I speak for the lesser population of McGill” or how about “My voice is your voice and voice versa”? Seriously, we need someone to actually do something. Or at least a scandal. We need people to make fools of themselves for our enjoyment. I’ve had it up to here with the current administration and their lack of humorous publicity. Enough is enough! It’s time to find new SSMU executives! But who, who would be willing to stand up and say: “I’ll do it! I’ll take that pay check and resume filler!” Who would ever be so foolhardy?
The moment has come for me to end this rant. But I go willingly, for I know that this recitation has to have inspired someone somewhere to take the initiative to waste people’s time by talking about nothing for lengthy periods. They will do this by forcing one-sided discussions in order to hear their own voices say the most mundane and repetitive things. Long after I am gone from this place, people will still band together and listen to the one who will not stop talking, even after they themselves have forgotten the topic. The topic of…oh crap.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
How to Run a SSMU Campaign (Without Making us Want to Slap You)
PREPARATION
Assemble a Team
Running a SSMU campaign can be tough work – at least if you’re going for one of the few positions that are actually “contested.” Even if it’s just to spread the word for you via facebook, their mouth, etc. you’ll definitely need help from at least a few people that are not your housemate. A good way to get volunteers is to offer them cushy jobs once you’re elected. Just try not to offer more than 150% of the actual jobs available. If they already have cushy SSMU jobs, offer them more until they bend to your will.
Take Some Pictures
Every good campaign needs posters, no matter how much the environmental council tries to tell you otherwise. Try to take a picture with obvious signs of McGill in the background: Roddick Gates, the Statue of James McGill, Three Bares Park, or even that crazy guy who stalks the ghetto for bottles will do. Remember though, the best kind of pictures for your campaign are the ones you take of your opponents in compromising sexual acts with many anonymous partners, many of whom are sheep.
Make Friends with the Insiders
It’s a well-known fact that no SSMU contender can win without the support of… well, SSMU. Lucky for you, Ivan Neilson can usually be bought off with a blended Margarita. Just make sure there’s a miniature umbrella in it. God help you if you try to give Ivan Neilson a Margarita without a miniature umbrella in it. As for preference between lime and mango, just go with what you’re comfortable with.
Construct a Platform
The most important thing about a platform is your slogan. A good slogan is both vague and threatening, since you both need to woo voters, and strike fear in the hearts of your enemies. We suggest: “Nobody Gets Hurt,” “The Last Guy that Fucked With us is Under Forbes’ Field” or “You’re Next, We Swear to God, You’re Next.” The rest of your platform can be composed of well-meaning but wholly unfeasible drivel, such as a skywalk to Upper Rez, extending the Metro service from Montreal to Vancouver, raising the dead, or attracting listeners to CKUT.
CAMPAIGN PERIOD
Debates
Remember: nobody who’s actually non-partisan shows up to debates, so they’re really only important for providing quotes for The Tribune or The Daily. To exploit the campus media, you’ll want to show up prepared with a set of pre-planned responses that make your opponents look like monsters. Try to bring up your recently deceased grandmother as much as possible to garner sympathy. If at all possible, imply that the other candidate(s) killed her. A sample script is provided below:
Your opponent: It is imperative that we balance the SSMU budget this year.
You: My grandmother was a sweet, loving, generous woman, you sons of bitches! Don’t think I don’t know what you did. Don’t think I don’t know what you mean by “balance the budget.” You’re Next, I swear to God You’re Next!
Usually you’ll finish talking before the time is up, but there’s no reason to give that extra time to your opponent. Try and spend the rest of your allotted time holding your breath, just so people know you’re not fucking around.
Class Talks
Class talks are a great way to remind yourself that nobody outside of your campaign team gives a flying fuck who you are or why you’re wasting time that could be spending learning about Argentinean social class development between 1760-1779. If you insist on talking anyway, keep it short, and lie as much as possible: the average student doesn’t know a goddam thing about SSMU anyway.
Newspaper Interviews
Whatever you do, never say what’s actually on your mind. This kind of reckless behaviour can result in Tribune headlines such as “Candidate Admits to Killing own Grandmother” or “Candidate Admits, ‘I’m just in it for the sweet First-Year Intern-Ass!’” A good way to get journalists to write positive stories about you is to pay them off. Everyone knows how student journalists are more crooked than a Stewart-Bio hallway, and sliding a five-note under the table during an interview could mean the difference between “Candidate Has No Clear Plans” and “Candidate Hung Like a Bull-Panda.”
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Things can get petty during the campaign period. Remember to stay focused, and try not to worry about things that have absolutely no relevance whatsoever to life at McGill like the concerns of low-income students, events for under-agers, or anything that Marisa Leon-Carlyle has ever done, ever.
ELECTION DAY
Salamander has more glitches than Windows Vista, which means that any errors discovered in collecting votes are readily attributed to programming problems – electorate fraud goes easily under the radar. Get a pretty engineer friend to seduce the Chief Electorate Officer and convince him to change the numbers in your favour. Given Elections McGill’s past friction with SSMU, they’ll be jumping at the chance to stick it to the man/womyn/ze.
Lengthy Appeals Process
J-Boarding has become such a pain in the ass when it comes to elections that this year’s SSMU executive has cut out this troublesome “check” that just slows down the SSMU insiders’ path to the executive offices. The supreme judicial tribunal has thus been replaced with a moody eight-ball (coincidentally at the same Council meeting referendum voting was replaced by a coin toss due to the persisting problem of reaching quorum). Despite this change however, no one can ever completely take away your God given right to bitch about every little thing. Ideally, you want to begin filing complaints a few weeks before campaign period begins. Good things to complain about include: the obvious pro-neutrality bias of the Elections McGill officers hired to oversee voting, and the obvious disenfranchisement of all voters who would have voted for you, coupled with the over-enchantment of all the voters who voted against you.
Assemble a Team
Running a SSMU campaign can be tough work – at least if you’re going for one of the few positions that are actually “contested.” Even if it’s just to spread the word for you via facebook, their mouth, etc. you’ll definitely need help from at least a few people that are not your housemate. A good way to get volunteers is to offer them cushy jobs once you’re elected. Just try not to offer more than 150% of the actual jobs available. If they already have cushy SSMU jobs, offer them more until they bend to your will.
Take Some Pictures
Every good campaign needs posters, no matter how much the environmental council tries to tell you otherwise. Try to take a picture with obvious signs of McGill in the background: Roddick Gates, the Statue of James McGill, Three Bares Park, or even that crazy guy who stalks the ghetto for bottles will do. Remember though, the best kind of pictures for your campaign are the ones you take of your opponents in compromising sexual acts with many anonymous partners, many of whom are sheep.
Make Friends with the Insiders
It’s a well-known fact that no SSMU contender can win without the support of… well, SSMU. Lucky for you, Ivan Neilson can usually be bought off with a blended Margarita. Just make sure there’s a miniature umbrella in it. God help you if you try to give Ivan Neilson a Margarita without a miniature umbrella in it. As for preference between lime and mango, just go with what you’re comfortable with.
Construct a Platform
The most important thing about a platform is your slogan. A good slogan is both vague and threatening, since you both need to woo voters, and strike fear in the hearts of your enemies. We suggest: “Nobody Gets Hurt,” “The Last Guy that Fucked With us is Under Forbes’ Field” or “You’re Next, We Swear to God, You’re Next.” The rest of your platform can be composed of well-meaning but wholly unfeasible drivel, such as a skywalk to Upper Rez, extending the Metro service from Montreal to Vancouver, raising the dead, or attracting listeners to CKUT.
CAMPAIGN PERIOD
Debates
Remember: nobody who’s actually non-partisan shows up to debates, so they’re really only important for providing quotes for The Tribune or The Daily. To exploit the campus media, you’ll want to show up prepared with a set of pre-planned responses that make your opponents look like monsters. Try to bring up your recently deceased grandmother as much as possible to garner sympathy. If at all possible, imply that the other candidate(s) killed her. A sample script is provided below:
Your opponent: It is imperative that we balance the SSMU budget this year.
You: My grandmother was a sweet, loving, generous woman, you sons of bitches! Don’t think I don’t know what you did. Don’t think I don’t know what you mean by “balance the budget.” You’re Next, I swear to God You’re Next!
Usually you’ll finish talking before the time is up, but there’s no reason to give that extra time to your opponent. Try and spend the rest of your allotted time holding your breath, just so people know you’re not fucking around.
Class Talks
Class talks are a great way to remind yourself that nobody outside of your campaign team gives a flying fuck who you are or why you’re wasting time that could be spending learning about Argentinean social class development between 1760-1779. If you insist on talking anyway, keep it short, and lie as much as possible: the average student doesn’t know a goddam thing about SSMU anyway.
Newspaper Interviews
Whatever you do, never say what’s actually on your mind. This kind of reckless behaviour can result in Tribune headlines such as “Candidate Admits to Killing own Grandmother” or “Candidate Admits, ‘I’m just in it for the sweet First-Year Intern-Ass!’” A good way to get journalists to write positive stories about you is to pay them off. Everyone knows how student journalists are more crooked than a Stewart-Bio hallway, and sliding a five-note under the table during an interview could mean the difference between “Candidate Has No Clear Plans” and “Candidate Hung Like a Bull-Panda.”
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Things can get petty during the campaign period. Remember to stay focused, and try not to worry about things that have absolutely no relevance whatsoever to life at McGill like the concerns of low-income students, events for under-agers, or anything that Marisa Leon-Carlyle has ever done, ever.
ELECTION DAY
Salamander has more glitches than Windows Vista, which means that any errors discovered in collecting votes are readily attributed to programming problems – electorate fraud goes easily under the radar. Get a pretty engineer friend to seduce the Chief Electorate Officer and convince him to change the numbers in your favour. Given Elections McGill’s past friction with SSMU, they’ll be jumping at the chance to stick it to the man/womyn/ze.
Lengthy Appeals Process
J-Boarding has become such a pain in the ass when it comes to elections that this year’s SSMU executive has cut out this troublesome “check” that just slows down the SSMU insiders’ path to the executive offices. The supreme judicial tribunal has thus been replaced with a moody eight-ball (coincidentally at the same Council meeting referendum voting was replaced by a coin toss due to the persisting problem of reaching quorum). Despite this change however, no one can ever completely take away your God given right to bitch about every little thing. Ideally, you want to begin filing complaints a few weeks before campaign period begins. Good things to complain about include: the obvious pro-neutrality bias of the Elections McGill officers hired to oversee voting, and the obvious disenfranchisement of all voters who would have voted for you, coupled with the over-enchantment of all the voters who voted against you.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Worst Advice I Ever Got Was...
“Let’s just wait out the war here in Amsterdam. A couple of Jews can be safe in Amsterdam. I mean, Hitler is many things, but he’s not crazy.”
“Know your enemy better than he knows himself.” I spent like 3 hours talking to that jerk.
“You see how the computer takes up this entire room, which is the size of a football field? Computers are never going to be smaller than this room, so I wouldn’t invest in them. Also, could you hold this bomb for a second while it explodes?”
“Drown your three children in a bathtub to appease me, one of several voices inside your brain.”
“Drown your three children in a bathtub to appease me, a financier who has a significant monetary wager on whether or not I can convince you to kill your children.”
“Be yourself.” I’ve seen videos of myself and I’m a fucking maniac.
“Feed a cold, starve a baby.”
“Don’t do drugs.” I HAVE THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES AIDS! I should have been doing many, many drugs. Whole “drug-cocktails,” if you will.
“Listen to your heart.” I can’t even describe the awful stuff that thing tells me to do. Tells me I have to do.
The Ten Commandments.
Monday, February 15, 2010
McGill Brand Condoms
McGill 2010 Budget Condom: It’s always shrinking.
ID Card Condom: This variety only works during regular business hours.
Engineering Condom: Only needs to be 50% effective.
Management Condom: Made to work well in groups and costs way more than all the other varieties.
Education Condom: These only work a few days every month.
Honors Thesis Condom: Takes a long time to finish and won’t really be worth it.
Chartwells Condom: You get tired of it fast, but you have to keep using it all year.
Solin Condom: Made for people who often get stuffed into unpleasant locations.
Dick Pound Condom: BAREBACK, BABY!
ID Card Condom: This variety only works during regular business hours.
Engineering Condom: Only needs to be 50% effective.
Management Condom: Made to work well in groups and costs way more than all the other varieties.
Education Condom: These only work a few days every month.
Honors Thesis Condom: Takes a long time to finish and won’t really be worth it.
Chartwells Condom: You get tired of it fast, but you have to keep using it all year.
Solin Condom: Made for people who often get stuffed into unpleasant locations.
Dick Pound Condom: BAREBACK, BABY!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Abstinence
Is like a fire in your heart
That burns through your chest
And lights
The building
On fire.
Oh God
What have I done?
That burns through your chest
And lights
The building
On fire.
Oh God
What have I done?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Abstinence: A Sexless Collection of Free Verse Poetry
Stay tuned for the latest in free verse poetry to share with your virgin lover…
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Forgetful Gil is Going to Buy a Car
Mary: All right, Gil: go down to the corner store, and buy a Ford Taurus. Got it?
Gil: Ford Taurus. Got it. (Mary pins a cheque to Gil’s cardigan, and he walks down the street.)
Gil: (thinking to himself) Ford Taurus… Ford Taurus…. Four Taurus… Four Torus… Fort Orus… Fore… Ortus? Tortoise? For tort is? Oh, goodness Gil, you’ve done it again! All right, just play it cool. I’ll just buy the… the fork porpoise and get out.
Car Salesman: Good afternoon, sir. Have your eye on anything?
Gil: Um… yes. I’ll take one… forp orpiz, please.
Car Salesman: A which?
Gil: I mean, a foe porpisis. In red.
Car Salesman: Sorry?
Gil: Oh, Christ… a foripisus? A foiripi- ciphus? Yes! A foie gras Sisyphus!
Car Salesman: I’m afraid we don’t have any of that, sir, but we do have an affordable Ford Taurus.
Gil: Yes! That’s it! I’ll take one of those! (tears the cheque from his cardigan and shoves it in the car salesman’s face.)
Car Salesman: (reading the cheque) I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t accept this.
Gil: (takes back the cheque and begins to read it) “Gil… if you ever read this, you will know that I have left you for another man. He’s not great, but he is able to remember more than two words at the same time. Goodbye, Mary.” Huh. Well, I guess this means I don’t have to buy that damn Fort Toast Blaster.
Gil: Ford Taurus. Got it. (Mary pins a cheque to Gil’s cardigan, and he walks down the street.)
Gil: (thinking to himself) Ford Taurus… Ford Taurus…. Four Taurus… Four Torus… Fort Orus… Fore… Ortus? Tortoise? For tort is? Oh, goodness Gil, you’ve done it again! All right, just play it cool. I’ll just buy the… the fork porpoise and get out.
Car Salesman: Good afternoon, sir. Have your eye on anything?
Gil: Um… yes. I’ll take one… forp orpiz, please.
Car Salesman: A which?
Gil: I mean, a foe porpisis. In red.
Car Salesman: Sorry?
Gil: Oh, Christ… a foripisus? A foiripi- ciphus? Yes! A foie gras Sisyphus!
Car Salesman: I’m afraid we don’t have any of that, sir, but we do have an affordable Ford Taurus.
Gil: Yes! That’s it! I’ll take one of those! (tears the cheque from his cardigan and shoves it in the car salesman’s face.)
Car Salesman: (reading the cheque) I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t accept this.
Gil: (takes back the cheque and begins to read it) “Gil… if you ever read this, you will know that I have left you for another man. He’s not great, but he is able to remember more than two words at the same time. Goodbye, Mary.” Huh. Well, I guess this means I don’t have to buy that damn Fort Toast Blaster.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Squibble’s Life Lesson 7: Money
Running low on cash? Try this easy way out of a financial jam:
Kill yourself.
Kill yourself.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Squibbles’s Life Lesson 32: Dealing with Grief
Do you feel like there’s sadness all around you? Squibbles reccomends that you:
Leave Somalia
Leave Somalia
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
First Day
Prison lunch is the most dangerous part of a new convict’s first day.
Big Chuck: Hey, Fresh Meat, give me your soda.
Killer Dan: Yeah, Fresh Meat. And let me have those potato chips while you’re at it, motherfucker.
New Guy: I get it. I get it. Either I suck your dicks, join a gang, or get treated like this every day at lunch. Fine! How do I get in a gang? Slit your rival’s throats? Get a swastika tattoo?! WHAT MUST I DO TO BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN BEING?!
Big Chuck: Jesus Christ, Fresh Meat, what are you talking about? I just needed to wash down this dinner roll.
Killer Dan: Yea. I was gonna trade you my baked beans. I wouldn’t just take someone’s potato chips. I’m not an animal, no matter what the warden says…
New Guy: Oh.
Killer Dan: Damn Fresh Meat, you’re one crazy motherfucker. I’m sticking with you in here.
Big Chuck: Hey, Fresh Meat, give me your soda.
Killer Dan: Yeah, Fresh Meat. And let me have those potato chips while you’re at it, motherfucker.
New Guy: I get it. I get it. Either I suck your dicks, join a gang, or get treated like this every day at lunch. Fine! How do I get in a gang? Slit your rival’s throats? Get a swastika tattoo?! WHAT MUST I DO TO BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN BEING?!
Big Chuck: Jesus Christ, Fresh Meat, what are you talking about? I just needed to wash down this dinner roll.
Killer Dan: Yea. I was gonna trade you my baked beans. I wouldn’t just take someone’s potato chips. I’m not an animal, no matter what the warden says…
New Guy: Oh.
Killer Dan: Damn Fresh Meat, you’re one crazy motherfucker. I’m sticking with you in here.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Values
Values change as we get older. Here are two people’s views of what the “best day ever” would mean:
Ross Julien, Age 15, Grade 10:
Our football team wins state championships, and then I get blowjobs from the thirteen hottest girls in school.
Arthur Connenburg, Age 42, Editor of Webster’s Dictionary:
About twelve blowjobs.
Ross Julien, Age 15, Grade 10:
Our football team wins state championships, and then I get blowjobs from the thirteen hottest girls in school.
Arthur Connenburg, Age 42, Editor of Webster’s Dictionary:
About twelve blowjobs.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Apology
Dear Sophie,
I want to formally apologize for the offensive remark I made last night. However, I swear to God that it was completely unintentional. I had absolutely no idea that was a derogatory term, much less a particularly vile one rooted in shocking historical details.
Honestly, it was a terrible coincidence. You dropped your coaster on the floor; I happened to be holding an apricot—I was pretty much just describing what I saw. Little did I know, it was also incredibly insulting and degrading.
Xoxo
-J
I want to formally apologize for the offensive remark I made last night. However, I swear to God that it was completely unintentional. I had absolutely no idea that was a derogatory term, much less a particularly vile one rooted in shocking historical details.
Honestly, it was a terrible coincidence. You dropped your coaster on the floor; I happened to be holding an apricot—I was pretty much just describing what I saw. Little did I know, it was also incredibly insulting and degrading.
Xoxo
-J
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sally's Haircut Disaster
Sally: Oh gawd, I do hate haircuts. I haven’t been for nearly a year!
John: Goodness, Sally, you’re looking long and wild! Well, that’s what you get for only getting your hair cut once a year, eh? Ha, ha.
Sally: Listen John, I hate haircuts because hairdressers always disregard what I ask for. I only want a little off the top, all right?
John: Well, okay then. Let’s get this buzz razor going.
Sally: What! Are you deaf, you idiot? I said I only want a little off the top. Unplug that electrical monster this instant!
John: Calm down, Sally, I know what I’m doing.
(The razor buzzes and hums evilly.)
Sally: No, you don’t! You only ever give me terrible haircuts, because you never listen. Only a trim! A trim, I said!
John: And, here we go! Hold still, girl!
(John begins to shave Sally’s hair off.)
Sally: Excuse me? Girl? How dare you address me with such familiarity! Stop! I only want a little of the top! A little off the top!
John: You didn’t really like all this hair, did you Sally? I bet this feels much nicer.
Sally: How do you know how I feel? Stop! Stop, you lunatic!
John: Stop thrashing! Do I have to hold you down to make you stop kicking?
(John physically restrains Sally as he cuts off all her hair.)
Sally: No! No! Noooooo! Baah! Baaaaaah!
(Having finished, John puts his shears down and herds Sally the sheep back into her pen.)
Sally: I don’t know why I come back here every year.
John: Goodness, Sally, you’re looking long and wild! Well, that’s what you get for only getting your hair cut once a year, eh? Ha, ha.
Sally: Listen John, I hate haircuts because hairdressers always disregard what I ask for. I only want a little off the top, all right?
John: Well, okay then. Let’s get this buzz razor going.
Sally: What! Are you deaf, you idiot? I said I only want a little off the top. Unplug that electrical monster this instant!
John: Calm down, Sally, I know what I’m doing.
(The razor buzzes and hums evilly.)
Sally: No, you don’t! You only ever give me terrible haircuts, because you never listen. Only a trim! A trim, I said!
John: And, here we go! Hold still, girl!
(John begins to shave Sally’s hair off.)
Sally: Excuse me? Girl? How dare you address me with such familiarity! Stop! I only want a little of the top! A little off the top!
John: You didn’t really like all this hair, did you Sally? I bet this feels much nicer.
Sally: How do you know how I feel? Stop! Stop, you lunatic!
John: Stop thrashing! Do I have to hold you down to make you stop kicking?
(John physically restrains Sally as he cuts off all her hair.)
Sally: No! No! Noooooo! Baah! Baaaaaah!
(Having finished, John puts his shears down and herds Sally the sheep back into her pen.)
Sally: I don’t know why I come back here every year.
Monday, January 25, 2010
What Restaurant Owners Think Could Happen
Ugly hostess: Hi, how many?
Patron: Jesus – never mind. (leaves hungrily)
Patron: Jesus – never mind. (leaves hungrily)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
House Hunting Tips
So you’re looking for a house; make sure you wear the proper bright orange hunting outfit so you don’t get mistaken for a house and shot and killed. Ha ha! No seriously, while house hunting is hard work, it probably won’t kill you. Here’s a few tips to help you out.
Chill Out
Calm down. There are plenty of houses out there, some of them even have roofs and indoor toilets. Every year there is an unnecessarily early rush on the housing. This is caused by anxious students going out into the ghetto with the mentality that there will only be three houses available this year. Please stop. You’re hurting the ghetto. One of the reasons that landlords are able to rent increasingly decrepit and roofless houses is that students continue to jump at the chance to rent them. In fact, have you ever thought about what it would be like if people treated other things like they do the Montreal/Ghetto housing market?
I present to you Orange Hunting with Omar and Jason:
Omar: Boy, these oranges sure are expensive.
Jason: Yeah $50 for a single piece of fruit picked four weeks ago in Mexico seems a bit high. What can you do, though?
Omar: And they’re in pretty bad shape, too. This one has a nest of baby spiders in it.
Jason: Still, we’d better buy these oranges before somebody else does.
Omar: I don’t know…There are more oranges than people who want to buy them. Are you sure we have to buy crappy oranges?
Jason: Definitely.
Omar: What about those oranges two aisles over?
Jason: No way. We want the closest possible oranges.
Omar: But they look nicer, and they’re about half as expensive.
Jason: No dice.
Omar: Okay, fine. Do we have to buy oranges right this minute? I bet if we’re patient, some oranges will hit the market that are nice, close, and not ridiculously expensive.
Jason: Sorry. We need oranges RIGHT NOW.
Okay, does the above dialogue sound stupid to you? Good. I hope you caught the subtle parallels.
Choosing a House
Picking a house is a lot like picking your nose. Be sure to wash your hands immediately afterwards, and don’t do it so much that you start to bleed. Now, you’ll probably see a house with a big living room and think “wow, we can have big parties in here and stock the bar.” Let me be the one to tell you that you will never do this. Instead, find a house that is great for sitting around and watching Glee with the few housemates that you are still on speaking terms with.
One vital thing to check when taking a tour of the house is the shower. You want to make sure that you’ve got good pressure. Remember, when you’re living in a house you’ll have to shower practically every day. No jokes here folks this is serious. Do this or you’ll smell.
Choosing Housemates
Do you really want to live with those assholes? Just relax, you’ll find good housemates. Finding the perfect housemates is a lot like finding true love, it only happens to good looking people in movies.
Pick stupid housemates that you can easily fleece into paying the gravity bill and the butter tax. There are two types of people you don’t want to live with, party animals and girls. Before you get mad at me I’m saying that living with one girl is fine, but living with multiple girls can get crazy. The crazy is amplified as it passes through the house and then rebounds off the walls. While this can typically save you up to ten percent on heating costs in the winter, it is generally not worth it. As for party animals, they’re fun people… at parties. Not so much during midterms or when you need to keep your walls urine free, which is all the time. (To all the party animals who have trouble finding housemates, I’m really sorry.)
Horsemates
Huh? You’re not running a stable, folks.
In Conclusion
The message here is to be calm, be cool. I’m sure you’ll figure it out, and if you don’t, you’ll only be wasting one year of your life and a lot of your parents’ money. Hey, maybe your landlord will be able to afford a new boat.
Chill Out
Calm down. There are plenty of houses out there, some of them even have roofs and indoor toilets. Every year there is an unnecessarily early rush on the housing. This is caused by anxious students going out into the ghetto with the mentality that there will only be three houses available this year. Please stop. You’re hurting the ghetto. One of the reasons that landlords are able to rent increasingly decrepit and roofless houses is that students continue to jump at the chance to rent them. In fact, have you ever thought about what it would be like if people treated other things like they do the Montreal/Ghetto housing market?
I present to you Orange Hunting with Omar and Jason:
Omar: Boy, these oranges sure are expensive.
Jason: Yeah $50 for a single piece of fruit picked four weeks ago in Mexico seems a bit high. What can you do, though?
Omar: And they’re in pretty bad shape, too. This one has a nest of baby spiders in it.
Jason: Still, we’d better buy these oranges before somebody else does.
Omar: I don’t know…There are more oranges than people who want to buy them. Are you sure we have to buy crappy oranges?
Jason: Definitely.
Omar: What about those oranges two aisles over?
Jason: No way. We want the closest possible oranges.
Omar: But they look nicer, and they’re about half as expensive.
Jason: No dice.
Omar: Okay, fine. Do we have to buy oranges right this minute? I bet if we’re patient, some oranges will hit the market that are nice, close, and not ridiculously expensive.
Jason: Sorry. We need oranges RIGHT NOW.
Okay, does the above dialogue sound stupid to you? Good. I hope you caught the subtle parallels.
Choosing a House
Picking a house is a lot like picking your nose. Be sure to wash your hands immediately afterwards, and don’t do it so much that you start to bleed. Now, you’ll probably see a house with a big living room and think “wow, we can have big parties in here and stock the bar.” Let me be the one to tell you that you will never do this. Instead, find a house that is great for sitting around and watching Glee with the few housemates that you are still on speaking terms with.
One vital thing to check when taking a tour of the house is the shower. You want to make sure that you’ve got good pressure. Remember, when you’re living in a house you’ll have to shower practically every day. No jokes here folks this is serious. Do this or you’ll smell.
Choosing Housemates
Do you really want to live with those assholes? Just relax, you’ll find good housemates. Finding the perfect housemates is a lot like finding true love, it only happens to good looking people in movies.
Pick stupid housemates that you can easily fleece into paying the gravity bill and the butter tax. There are two types of people you don’t want to live with, party animals and girls. Before you get mad at me I’m saying that living with one girl is fine, but living with multiple girls can get crazy. The crazy is amplified as it passes through the house and then rebounds off the walls. While this can typically save you up to ten percent on heating costs in the winter, it is generally not worth it. As for party animals, they’re fun people… at parties. Not so much during midterms or when you need to keep your walls urine free, which is all the time. (To all the party animals who have trouble finding housemates, I’m really sorry.)
Horsemates
Huh? You’re not running a stable, folks.
In Conclusion
The message here is to be calm, be cool. I’m sure you’ll figure it out, and if you don’t, you’ll only be wasting one year of your life and a lot of your parents’ money. Hey, maybe your landlord will be able to afford a new boat.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
What I Imagine the World Would Be
What I imagine the world would be like without pasta:
Me: What’s for dinner?
Mom: You can have chicken fingers, grilled cheese, or pasta.
Me: Pasta? What’s pasta?
Mom: I…I don’t know.
What I imagine the world would be like without milk:
Farmer: Go outside and kill the cow.
Me: Father, why do cows have udders?
Farmer: They’re for decoration. Want ravioli for dinner?
Me: More than anything.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Mom: You can have chicken fingers, grilled cheese, or pasta.
Me: Pasta? What’s pasta?
Mom: I…I don’t know.
What I imagine the world would be like without milk:
Farmer: Go outside and kill the cow.
Me: Father, why do cows have udders?
Farmer: They’re for decoration. Want ravioli for dinner?
Me: More than anything.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Inuits
Inuits have over 100 words for snow, but no word for mitochondria. That’s crazy. How to they talk about mitochondria??
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Lenny the Lying Leopard
(In the New York Zoo, a prowl of leopards huddles around a small hole as they dig out the rest of their escape tunnel.)
Alpha Leopard: (cocking his head) Shhh! You guys hear that?
(The group is silent. They all hear the whistling of the Zoo Keeper getting louder as he makes his nightly rounds.)
Alpha Leopard: Oh man… he’s early. (Turns to Lenny) Lenny, you’re the best liar we have. You’re going to have to lie to the Zoo Keeper so the rest of us can escape.
Lenny: I won’t let you down, sir! (Lenny slinks over to the fence where the Zoo Keeper is now watching the prowl.)
Zoo Keeper: (chuckling) What are you leopards doing awake so late at night? You’re not escaping are you?
Lenny: Well… (clears his throat) You see…
(Lenny proceeds to occupy the Zoo Keeper with a very convincing and well-structured throat biting.)
Alpha Leopard: (cocking his head) Shhh! You guys hear that?
(The group is silent. They all hear the whistling of the Zoo Keeper getting louder as he makes his nightly rounds.)
Alpha Leopard: Oh man… he’s early. (Turns to Lenny) Lenny, you’re the best liar we have. You’re going to have to lie to the Zoo Keeper so the rest of us can escape.
Lenny: I won’t let you down, sir! (Lenny slinks over to the fence where the Zoo Keeper is now watching the prowl.)
Zoo Keeper: (chuckling) What are you leopards doing awake so late at night? You’re not escaping are you?
Lenny: Well… (clears his throat) You see…
(Lenny proceeds to occupy the Zoo Keeper with a very convincing and well-structured throat biting.)
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tip for Success #82
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and yell “I said limes, bitch, limes!”
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Dalmatians
Spot: Hey look, the truck’s slowing down.
Sparky: Do you think they’re taking us to the park?
Spot: No, it looks like another terrible, terrible fire.
Sparky: What the shit is wrong with these people?!
Sparky: Do you think they’re taking us to the park?
Spot: No, it looks like another terrible, terrible fire.
Sparky: What the shit is wrong with these people?!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The Sexual Revolution at McGill
There is no doubt that, as an educational institution, McGill is behind the times in its approach to sexuality on campus. Instead of embracing the newly found sexual freedom of the new millennium, the administration has continued to hold on to the masturbatory ‘80s mindset… until now! The following are a few signs that McGill has begun to take on a more sexually liberated attitude:
Your transcript vibrates uncontrollably.
Your Con-Ed Prof’s car has a bumper sticker that reads, “Honk if you have jungle gym fever.”
The midterm is worth whatever you want it to be worth, sweet-cheeks.
Theoretically, anyone with a windpipe is eligible to win an interim scholarship.
Instead of posting the assignments on WebCT, your TAs write them on your naked body with ice cubes, and you have to guess what they’re writing. There are no wrong answers.
The course “Sexual Ethics” has been replaced with “Even Uggos Need Lovin.”
Marty the Martlet is now Corey the Clitorasaurus.
Your transcript vibrates uncontrollably.
Your Con-Ed Prof’s car has a bumper sticker that reads, “Honk if you have jungle gym fever.”
The midterm is worth whatever you want it to be worth, sweet-cheeks.
Theoretically, anyone with a windpipe is eligible to win an interim scholarship.
Instead of posting the assignments on WebCT, your TAs write them on your naked body with ice cubes, and you have to guess what they’re writing. There are no wrong answers.
The course “Sexual Ethics” has been replaced with “Even Uggos Need Lovin.”
Marty the Martlet is now Corey the Clitorasaurus.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Figure of Speech
Sometimes I think that the phrase “babies can’t fly rocket ships” is overused, to the point of cliché:
At the Restaurant
Mom: You can’t just eat chocolate fudge cake for dinner. That’s why Mommy chooses dinner for you. Babies can’t fly rocket ships, you know.
Selling your company to Microsoft
Bill Gates: Listen, that’s the best offer I can make on such a young tech-business. Take it or leave it. I mean: babies can’t fly rocket ships, am I right?
On a rocket ship
Co-pilot: Okay, you just need to ease off the fuel and then we can go into auto-pilot till we hit the asteroid belt…Hey, are you listening? I said we need to ease off the fuel—wait a second. Oh my God! Babies can’t fly rocket ships! I’m going to have to drive this hunk of junk myself.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Text Messaging on Judgement Day
Phone 1: hey
Phone 2: sup bro
Phone 1: havn a bad day
Phone 1: why?
Phone 2: apo6alypsv
Phone 1: what?
Phone 2: apocalypse* sorry cant type phone melting.
Phone 1: u ok?
Phone 2: gtg rapture
Phone 2: sup bro
Phone 1: havn a bad day
Phone 1: why?
Phone 2: apo6alypsv
Phone 1: what?
Phone 2: apocalypse* sorry cant type phone melting.
Phone 1: u ok?
Phone 2: gtg rapture
Friday, January 8, 2010
ttyl
Dear Steven,
It is with sincere regret that I must inform you that I cannot go out with you. Although dinner on Friday sounds charming, I am unable to accept your offer at this time.
This year, a record number of people asked me out and the pool was remarkably strong. I was unable to accommodate many qualified suitors. I am only one woman!
People asking me out this year came from all ten provinces, three territories, and forty-two foreign countries. They included a record number of underrepresented minorities, internationally placed athletes, a Canadian Merit Scholar, and several downright hotties. This year, for the first time, I will go out with more women than men, truly a landmark in my personal history.
Thank you for your interest - your taste in women is commendable. Although I am unable to accommodate you at this time, I wish you good luck and future success with the woman that you will eventually enter.
All the Best,
Chloe
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Memo
From: MRO McGill Staff
Sent: January 4, 2009
To: x-All McGill Staff; x-All Students
Re: To the Members of the McGill Community
What an extraordinary year 2009 has been for us at McGill. There has been much to celebrate in all corners of the University. And by all corners of the University I am of course referring to those renovated stairs in front of McConnell Engineering. In the still stuttering economic recovery, it is truly outstanding that we were financially able to tear down and rebuild an existing structure that had/has no educational value.
Now, as we venture on to the new year of 2010, I would like to express my sincere hope that each of you had a wonderful holiday season, celebrating whichever of the many diverse winter holidays you chose to celebrate, or that you parents chose for you to celebrate. That is of course unless you don’t celebrate any winter holiday at all, in which case I’d like to express my hope that you had a wonderful two-to-four weeks of doing nothing. At any rate, I hope that you were able to share more time than you usually have with your dear ones, no matter how loving or dysfunctional your relationships with them may be.
At this special time of year, I’d like to welcome all of you back, each and every one of you, and wish you a great semester. Please do your best to bring honor, prestige, and monetary funds to this institution.
Warm Regards,
Heather Munroe-Blum
Principal and Vice-Chancellor
McGill University
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Person of the Year
I bet that when the people at Time Magazine deliberate about who is Person of the Year there’s always one guy that gets all quiet and hangs back a bit because he secretly thinks it might be him.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Resolutions
Here are my resolutions for 2010:
- Be able to rip a phonebook in half.
- Get nominated for one awards show, even if it’s a Juno.
- Paint the Mona Lisa, but better.
- Eat more greens - not just vegetables, just anything that’s green (relish, limes, grass etc).
- Wear more track pants in effort to appear healthier.
- Work on my ball muscles, get a testicle six-pack.
- Write more letters to my MP concerning the length of days in November/December.
- Ride a dolphin.
- Teach a dolphin to read a book a day.
- Visit the magical city of Paris, Italy.
- Marry a zillionaire supermodel.
- Overcome irrational fear of fighter bees living in my pants.
- Give out at least twice as many high-fives as I did in 2009.
- Be able to rip a phonebook in half.
- Get nominated for one awards show, even if it’s a Juno.
- Paint the Mona Lisa, but better.
- Eat more greens - not just vegetables, just anything that’s green (relish, limes, grass etc).
- Wear more track pants in effort to appear healthier.
- Work on my ball muscles, get a testicle six-pack.
- Write more letters to my MP concerning the length of days in November/December.
- Ride a dolphin.
- Teach a dolphin to read a book a day.
- Visit the magical city of Paris, Italy.
- Marry a zillionaire supermodel.
- Overcome irrational fear of fighter bees living in my pants.
- Give out at least twice as many high-fives as I did in 2009.
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